I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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