I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
