any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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