Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
