matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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