He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
