im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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