I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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