That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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