I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
