guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
