Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Is it because I queefed?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
