so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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