I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
