so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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