she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
