Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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