Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
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I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
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I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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