Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
