She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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