umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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