how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
