I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
