I could make wine with my vomit
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
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so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
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Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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