Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
