I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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