saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
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I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
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I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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