During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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