You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
The best revenge is premature balding
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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