Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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