I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
