Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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