I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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