The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
