Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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