i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
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Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
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Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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