the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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