you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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