My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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