Got a toothbrush?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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