I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize