rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?