i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball