Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
