he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
