True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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