better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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