your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
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If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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