i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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