Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
