Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
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I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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