Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
