I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
